My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
