i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
