I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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