p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
