I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
