I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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