So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
