Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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