I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Me too!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
