I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
