you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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