My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
