I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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