Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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