Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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