Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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