WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
