half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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