it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
