At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
