she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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