She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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