you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
