I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
