btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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