She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my shit smells like andre
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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