I wish my penis had an off switch
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
