I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
