Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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