"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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