where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
