He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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