i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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