I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
