I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My Higher Power is John Stamos
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
