Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
