no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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