They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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