what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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