If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
