please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
