im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
