i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
