The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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