so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
