He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
