I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
