He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i believe in u and ur pee
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
