____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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