Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
