Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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