I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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