Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
